by Comet, the talking reindeer
Children know that Santa Claus (also known as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, or simply “Santa”) exists, but most adults don’t believe this fact. I’d like to discuss this controversial issue with you, but first please allow me to introduce myself. I’m Comet, the talking reindeer. I am part of an elite team of flying reindeer that pulls Santa’s sleigh. We help him deliver gifts to good boys and girls all over the world every Christmas eve. There are nine of us charged with helping to spread glad tidings: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, me, and Rudolph. Rudolph gets to lead the herd across the dark night sky because he has a shiny red nose. And trust me, if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
How I Spend My Time
Being one of Santa’s reindeer leaves me with plenty of free time. Sometimes I sing to pass the hours; sometimes I dance; and sometimes I court a little beauty in the pasture named Marquita. One of her antlers points toward the North Star. There are times when she’ll look at me, lean in, and tickle my neck with that antler. Even though she can’t talk, it’s as if in those moments she’s saying, “Comet.” But I digress. During my free time I mostly think deep philosophical thoughts like many other reindeer. You may not realize it, but when one of us seems to be staring at you, we’re probably pondering a question like “If a present falls off a sleigh into a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” Engrossing myself in this type of cerebral engagement keeps me from being bored 364 days a year, and I think, makes me a better reindeer.
The Adults Who Believe
To be fair, I must acknowledge that there are some adults who do believe in Santa Claus. For them, celebrating Christmas is a joyful experience, which is why they like to dress up in costumes and special hats, or wear colorful makeup and don gay apparel. The problem with non-believers is that they spread fear not cheer, extoling the dangers of perpetuating what they call, “The Santa Clause myth.” According to recent reindeer research, these naysayers think that Santa and Christmas are just a bunch of hooey. That’s because they are lacking in, as Tinkerbell put it when she visited us from Never Never Land, “Faith and trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”
Let’s Take a Look at the Facts
It’s common knowledge that Santa has a large home and workshop at the North Pole; however, if you don’t believe me, just go to www.Northpole.com and see for yourself. Next, according to the Encyclopedia Britannica, there are hundreds of thousands of flying and gliding species on this planet. Although most reindeer aren’t one of them, are we going to conveniently ignore genetic engineering? With flying reindeer, special DNA known only to Santa and Mrs. Claus, is introduced into their genome. Also, Santa climbs down chimneys that have fires burning at the bottom. Hello? Isn’t it obvious that he wears a firefighters suit painted red? Now to the timing issue. According to the United States Census Bureau, there are an estimated 6.981 billion people on earth. www.wikipedia.com states that there are an average 2.33 children per household. The Claus Chronicles submits that of the 1.8 billion children worldwide, 609,232,003 celebrate Christmas, and kids can move on and off the “Naughty” and “Nice” lists right up until Christmas Eve. They go on to say that as of the last flight scenario, there are 301,871,061 qualified and targeted dwellings. So, how do we visit them all?
Easy. By floating through space-time according to string theory in a multidimensional universe. This allows us to be in many places at once. Viola! Instant deliveries. Sometimes just for fun, we use an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is a cylindrical, some say chimney shaped wormhole. Coincidence? You decide.
Quantum Physics Made Simple
If you are not familiar with the quantum physics terms I’ve just mentioned, let me make it simple for you. According to www.superstringtheory.com, there are ten spacetime dimensions, which means one time dimension plus nine space dimensions. Additionally, the number of dimensions in spacetime are not fixed concepts, but rather fluid entities that shift with someone’s point of view. Santa’s point of view is to get presents delivered to all the children on his list. Now do you get it?
Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity”
Lastly, you may wonder why Santa never seems to age, and how it is that from year to year, he retains his unchanging cherub face, round belly, long white beard, and merry laugh. Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity” explains it. Basically, time slows down for objects traveling at the speed of light. Here’s an example of what Einstein called the “twin paradox.” Let’s try it out with a pair of pretend twins, Al and Bert, both of whom are 10 years old in their highly futuristic universe. Al’s parents decide to send him to summer camp in the Alpha-3 star system, which is 25 light-years away (a light-year is the distance light travels in a year). Bert doesn’t want to go and stays home on Earth. So Al sets out on his own. Wanting him to get there as quickly as possible, his parents pay extra and send him at 99.99 percent the speed of light. The trip to the star and back takes 50 years. What happens when Al returns? His twin brother is now 60 years old, but Al is only 10 and a half. How can this be? Al was away for 50 years but only aged by half a year. Has Al just discovered the fountain of youth? Not at all. Al’s trip into space lasted only a half year for him, but on Earth 50 years passed. Does this mean that Al can live forever? Nope. He may have aged by only half a year in the time it took 50 years to pass on Earth, but he also only lived half a year. And since time can slow down but never goes backwards, there’s no way he could grow younger. Some answers are more simple than you had imagined, right?
A Suggestion from Me
I realize that you’re about two legs shy of being me, but if I haven’t convinced you by now that Santa Claus is real, here’s what I suggest that you do. One evening when the sky is clear and the stars are shining brightly, go outside, take your blinders off, and look up. Contemplate the millions of years it took for the starlight to reach the earth. And, in that moment of marvel and wonder, surrender to the laws of magic and quantum physics. It is then that you will know for sure that Santa truly does exist. And one last thing. If ever some tight-lipped, steely-eyed, know-it-all challenges you about this subject, just hoof it right over to him or her, and share the truth about Santa. Tell that woebegone skeptic “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” and you learned his secrets from Comet the talking reindeer!